[For a second, he's not sure what to say. Should this make him happy? That Wally's sitting here and telling him that people would die for him, that people who are already on their second chance would walk out and into the belly of the beast for him? It doesn't. He's not so divorced from his own emotions that he wouldn't want people to care for him, doesn't relish every hug and laugh, like it when people go out of their ways to show him kindness, show up when he's sad, even if it's just to sit beside him. Of course he likes those things. He doesn't know what he'd do without them.
But hearing that people would die for him is the opposite of what he wants to hear. Even through the natural fogginess of dreams, he can remember every person he wandered through his own nightmares, and every person, every single one (even Bart, face to face with his oppressors, when running would have been so, so easy) decided to stay and stand beside him. There's a certain logic telling him that his dreams had ended badly because of whatever had caused the dreams in the first place. They weren't supposed to end well, he realizes now, and the way they had acted was twisted and warped, but that doesn't change how it had felt at the time... or how poorly it'd turned out once he woke up, but that's what happens when you shove Hal and Booster in the same room. It's not like he's one of those people who thinks everyone dies around them (the way Ellie thinks, he knows, something he can't even remotely relate to), but it's the same feeling he got when Ken tried to say that one of his reasons for living was to help protect him, someone who happily runs headfirst into danger every time it strikes.
God, he doesn't want to talk about this right now. What he'd wanted to do was to ooze onto his couch and turn his brain to mush for the next eight hours. Was it really so much to ask for to watch so much dumb TV that Netflix had to periodically check whether or not he was still alive?]
I didn't mean it like that, [he says quietly, a sharp little frown tugging at his mouth.] Besides, I wouldn't want any of you guys to...
[He lets out a grumble as he tugs one hand through his hair, trying to put his thoughts in order, because he'd sure as hell die for any of the people Wally had just listed.]
Look, I know, okay? You don't have to tell me twice.
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But hearing that people would die for him is the opposite of what he wants to hear. Even through the natural fogginess of dreams, he can remember every person he wandered through his own nightmares, and every person, every single one (even Bart, face to face with his oppressors, when running would have been so, so easy) decided to stay and stand beside him. There's a certain logic telling him that his dreams had ended badly because of whatever had caused the dreams in the first place. They weren't supposed to end well, he realizes now, and the way they had acted was twisted and warped, but that doesn't change how it had felt at the time... or how poorly it'd turned out once he woke up, but that's what happens when you shove Hal and Booster in the same room. It's not like he's one of those people who thinks everyone dies around them (the way Ellie thinks, he knows, something he can't even remotely relate to), but it's the same feeling he got when Ken tried to say that one of his reasons for living was to help protect him, someone who happily runs headfirst into danger every time it strikes.
God, he doesn't want to talk about this right now. What he'd wanted to do was to ooze onto his couch and turn his brain to mush for the next eight hours. Was it really so much to ask for to watch so much dumb TV that Netflix had to periodically check whether or not he was still alive?]
I didn't mean it like that, [he says quietly, a sharp little frown tugging at his mouth.] Besides, I wouldn't want any of you guys to...
[He lets out a grumble as he tugs one hand through his hair, trying to put his thoughts in order, because he'd sure as hell die for any of the people Wally had just listed.]
Look, I know, okay? You don't have to tell me twice.